Anyone who's been following me for a while (or even scrolls a bit through my gallery) knows that I struggle a lot with being very indecisive when it comes to my personal drawing style, though TBH I never thought it was necessarily a bad thing, it just means I'm versatile.
But I've come to realize that all the stuff I've been drawing for the past year or so was in a way that I felt was the best to get a job... I really tried hard to draw in a way that's appealing to feature film studios, and ironically that made my style go stale in a way that's just kinda generic and unappealing to anybody, including those same studios. But above all, I think a lot of that was driven by a lack of self-confidence and a need to feel validated by getting an internship at a studio or something.
But as I put together my portfolio this year, I found myself hating it and hating the process. I fought every step of the way and I realized that deep down, I never wanted to work for feature films or really any big studios at all--I wanted the validation and pride that came with having my name attached to a brand name. I let ego and vanity get in the way of what I really wanted as an artist, which was to just.. express myself, as cheesy and artsy-fartsy as that sounds. But isn't that what all artists want?
I think the way my style was going around later high school and my freshman year of college is the closest to where I really wanted it to be, and I think I'll try exploring that direction again. I'm beginning to wrap up pre-production on my senior film too, so starting next semester I won't have to draw for school anymore (just work in maya) and I think that'll actually give me a lot of freedom to draw however I want to without having to worry about whether or not I could put it in a portfolio or not, or whether it'd be useful to a studio or not.
Today my teacher mentioned that when he went to school here, everybody else around him wanted to work for Pixar and thought that was the pinnacle of animation, even though the world of art and animation is so much broader than that. But he said that it was empowering to know what he wanted, and to not have to hold himself to others' standards... And I'm starting to feel that way too. Without the pressure I used to put on myself to "prove" that I was an artist worth respecting (which is kind of abstract in itself), I feel kind of really liberated and like I can just be myself again.
So... expect some changes in my art again. But isn't that what you guys are used to seeing from me? ;]